Tuesday, December 25, 2007


It's Christmas. The presents have been opened and everyone is taking a nap before we go to Abe's grandmother's house. We are in Boerne at Abe's parents'. As everyone naps I gather up the many toys and presents. It has been a good Christmas...why am I so melancholy? What am I sad?

About a month ago Billie wrote about Grieving in her blog. She writes about it so beautifully and much more eloquently than I ever could but I want to talk about my grief and sense of loss.

Does it ever go away? Do you ever fully recover from the loss? Some days are much better than others but it is always there with me. Our losses may be different but the pain still lingers...for many of us anyway. I have experienced two very different kinds of loss in my life. The tragic death of my father and Grace's CP diagnosis.

My grief over the loss of father includes a longing for him to be here with us, a longing for him to see his triplet grandchildren. He so would have gotten a kick out of watching Mack play with his new remote control car. My grief also takes on a lot of "should haves". I should have said "I love you" more. I should have spent more time with him. I should have gotten to know him better. Dad, you are missed.

Then there's Grace. No, I haven't lost my little girl but I have lost the dreams I had for her. The dreams of a normal little girl, who can take dance lessons, do a somersault, play soccer rather than deal with people staring and talking about her. I'm sure that she will even be made fun of on the playground.

As I picked up the new toys and look at the new playhouse Abe's parents gave the triplets, I wonder...will she ever be able to walk into the playhouse by herself? Or will she simply watch and laugh as her sister and brother play peek-a-boo from the windows. She loves to watch them chase each other and giggles with delight. Will she ever be in the middle of those games? Please God, I hope so. It breaks my heart to see her watching from the sidelines.

So, you see I'm sad today.


Melissa said...

Yes! She will be in the middle of those games. You know why? Because even if she can't do it like Mack and Sophie, she will figure out Grace's way. And remember, to Mack and Sophie she isn't Grace who has CP, she is Grace, sister and best friend. And with a relationship as strong at that...there are no limitations.

Jackie said...

Precious Jac... I feel your some of your pain. I am sorry you are down today. Gracie & Mack & Shophie are blessed to have a mother who feels and loves so deeply.

I could write a lot of thoughts & feelings about how Gracie will be o.k. but words seem inadequate. But she WILL be loved and she will KNOW it.

And I love you. J

AZ Chapman said...

The sky is the limit but it takes time to get there. I mean if she is in Ot St Pt there is not anything Grace can't do. I mean I have CP mind you it is mild but I have played soccer in ayso along with my sisters and neighborhood kids. I have gotten a yellow belt in judo and so much more . My parents had to help a lot on the way to make sure that i am able to live a typical life.

There have been hard time I have been the laughing stock before but with love from my family I gotten over some peaty had stuff. try not to worry about her future just be happy in th moment

merry Christmas


Mel said...

I'm sorry you are missing your dad. I've had you in my thoughts all day.

Patyrish said...

I understand and Oh how I feel the same.

I don't think the grief will ever totally go away. We will just get stronger and learn to deal with it better.

Anonymous said...

I get comments all the time about how I should not ever let the negatives "in". That I shouldn't say that he can't do anything. And then there is usually given an example of someone who was expected to be non-verbal/not walk who now talks/runs. I watch the other kids go screaming past Moo in all of their achievements and yes, it leaves me sad. It leaves me wondering what the future holds. What I can do to change things. How I can protect him.

I feel powerless.

My guess is that you do too.


Jackie said...

From all the postings it is obvious that CP is harder on the moms than the children that have it. AZ - what a blessing you must be to all around you.

Anonymous said...

Thank you AZ for your positive encouragment. God Bless.