It's Christmas. The presents have been opened and everyone is taking a nap before we go to Abe's grandmother's house. We are in Boerne at Abe's parents'. As everyone naps I gather up the many toys and presents. It has been a good Christmas...why am I so melancholy? What am I sad?
About a month ago Billie wrote about Grieving in her blog. She writes about it so beautifully and much more eloquently than I ever could but I want to talk about my grief and sense of loss.
Does it ever go away? Do you ever fully recover from the loss? Some days are much better than others but it is always there with me. Our losses may be different but the pain still lingers...for many of us anyway. I have experienced two very different kinds of loss in my life. The tragic death of my father and Grace's CP diagnosis.
My grief over the loss of father includes a longing for him to be here with us, a longing for him to see his triplet grandchildren. He so would have gotten a kick out of watching Mack play with his new remote control car. My grief also takes on a lot of "should haves". I should have said "I love you" more. I should have spent more time with him. I should have gotten to know him better. Dad, you are missed.
Then there's Grace. No, I haven't lost my little girl but I have lost the dreams I had for her. The dreams of a normal little girl, who can take dance lessons, do a somersault, play soccer rather than deal with people staring and talking about her. I'm sure that she will even be made fun of on the playground.
As I picked up the new toys and look at the new playhouse Abe's parents gave the triplets, I wonder...will she ever be able to walk into the playhouse by herself? Or will she simply watch and laugh as her sister and brother play peek-a-boo from the windows. She loves to watch them chase each other and giggles with delight. Will she ever be in the middle of those games? Please God, I hope so. It breaks my heart to see her watching from the sidelines.
So, you see I'm sad today.