Guilt...it is all part of parenting. Whether you have a child with special needs or not. For me the guilt involves not spending enough individual time with each child, not reading enough to them, letting them watch too much TV, not being involved in more activities, and generally just being a lousy mom. The guilt involved in parenting Grace involves all of those and more. There is the feeling that I'm not doing everything I can for her. Is she participating in the right kinds of therapies, are we seeing the right doctors, do I have the right equipment, am I doing the right thing by putting her in main stream school?
One of Grace's therapist frequently tries to absolve me of some of this guilt. It not so much that I voice that I feel guilty, but he can tell by the million questions I always ask that I am wondering...am I doing enough...am I doing the right things. No matter how many times he tells me "Jacolyn, you are doing so much more that most parents even attempt to do. You are doing everything you can and should for Grace", I don't think I'll ever feel adequate. I will probably always blame myself if she never walks or has no self confidence or isn't happy. How can I love someone so much and fail them so miserably.
God, be my guide.
As for me, I will call upon God,
and the Lord shall save me.
Evening and morning and at noon
I will pray and cry aloud,
And He shall hear my voice.
He has redeemed my soul in peace from the battle that was against me,
For there were many against me.