Thursday, October 2, 2008

Playground Blues

There is nothing like a trip to the park to make me feel isolated...alone...different.

There is a nice little park with a great toddler playground near our house. We go there often. I like going early in the morning, right after breakfast, because there are not many other people there...we are many times by ourselves when we first get there. This morning we had the place to ourselves for a little while and then another mother with a typically developing child arrived. We chat...about kids, about UT (her dog's name is Major, my son's name is Mack...Major Applewhite, Mack Brown, etc). Grace is in the swing, Mack and Sophie are on the slide. Everything seems normal, until Grace wants out of the swing and wants to walk the stairs. I like it when she wants to walk the stairs...it's a great exercise for her. I have to hold her. We walk up and down the stairs many times. The conversation wanes. Another mom and "normal" child arrive. We all chat. Then Grace wants her walker. (Yes, I can get the triple stroller, the walker and my coffee to the park all by myself...I'm good :) The moms with the normal kids talk amongst themselves. As Grace and I pass by with the walker I hear..."There is this girl at Kindermusik who is 14 months and can't walk yet..." I begin to hate them. I want to be normal. I want to be talking with other moms while my kids are running around. I don't want them to avoid watching Grace. I want them to ask about her. I want to be included.

I started thinking about the times Graces is in CE. We go everyday during camp times. I am around people like us. I seem to be able to avoid depression. I'm not alone.

I hate the park sometimes.

8 comments:

Jackie said...

Precious Jacolyn... I know it must be hard to hear those comments. I know you "feel" different. And you have to admit... Gracie IS different. She's more gracious and hard-working and better adjusted and precious and more determined than ANY child I know. I love you.

therextras said...

And then you can come to the blog 'playground' and be around lots of people whose lives are like yours, who understand.

Hope you are feeling better soon. Barbara

AZ Chapman said...

I know how y feel know that y are not alone through

hugs

az

BusyLizzyMom said...

It is so funny how people are so uncomfortable around you when they see your child is different. And those little whispered conversations they have, 'we can hear you and so can our kids'. I find myself so aware of others now, are they looking at Elizabeth because she is cute or is it because she walks differently.

twinmama said...

Oh, the playground. It sucks, it really does. Even on a good day it's hard, but on a day when for whatever reason, your reserves are down, it's even harder. Not that there is no joy in being there, but it's this weird combo of joy mixed in with frustration, anger, sadness...

I hear you sister. And I'm sorry you had a sad day.

But...it's so great that Grace loves the stairs. Hannah does too, and it's such a great thing because they are getting stronger and stronger with every step they take. Go girls go!

Justinich Family said...

I can totally feel you Jacolyn, it is hard sometimes. I too long for the way that life was supposed to be. I have many times where I leave the park crying or just down, not just the park either. It happened once at McDonalds too. I think those parents of typical kids are missing out on the joy and lessons that we learn from our special needs kids.

Bird said...

We all hate the park sometimes. I think that this is part of the reason I blog. . . not just to reach the other "special mommas" out there, but also to let people know that I love my child as much as they do, that I have things to share too, and really. . . we're not as different as you'd think.

Holly said...

I hate the park too! Can you believe that I actually tried a stroller group. Ha, fat joke. We were the side show, main event and freak show. The sad stares... the whispers. I won't be doing that again. Every now and then I just want to be 'normal' whatever that is.....ugh.

Keep your chin up, keep walking those stairs and enjoy the beautiful weather we are having!