Some Good Nappin'

Naps are few and far between at my house for anyone but the kids. We were able to snag a few at Abe's parent's house. So did Uncle Russell and Grandpa, although I don't know how they slept through all the stories and laughter. I have much more for later but I have to pack for Part Two of our Christmas Vacation.

Grief

It's Christmas. The presents have been opened and everyone is taking a nap before we go to Abe's grandmother's house. We are in Boerne at Abe's parents'. As everyone naps I gather up the many toys and presents. It has been a good Christmas...why am I so melancholy? What am I sad?

About a month ago Billie wrote about Grieving in her blog. She writes about it so beautifully and much more eloquently than I ever could but I want to talk about my grief and sense of loss.

Grief
Does it ever go away? Do you ever fully recover from the loss? Some days are much better than others but it is always there with me. Our losses may be different but the pain still lingers...for many of us anyway. I have experienced two very different kinds of loss in my life. The tragic death of my father and Grace's CP diagnosis.

My grief over the loss of father includes a longing for him to be here with us, a longing for him to see his triplet grandchildren. He so would have gotten a kick out of watching Mack play with his new remote control car. My grief also takes on a lot of "should haves". I should have said "I love you" more. I should have spent more time with him. I should have gotten to know him better. Dad, you are missed.

Then there's Grace. No, I haven't lost my little girl but I have lost the dreams I had for her. The dreams of a normal little girl, who can take dance lessons, do a somersault, play soccer rather than deal with people staring and talking about her. I'm sure that she will even be made fun of on the playground.

As I picked up the new toys and look at the new playhouse Abe's parents gave the triplets, I wonder...will she ever be able to walk into the playhouse by herself? Or will she simply watch and laugh as her sister and brother play peek-a-boo from the windows. She loves to watch them chase each other and giggles with delight. Will she ever be in the middle of those games? Please God, I hope so. It breaks my heart to see her watching from the sidelines.

So, you see I'm sad today.

I've Got Nuthin'

I haven't posted in a few days and it will be a least a week before I'm back. Right now I'm tired and grumpy and I've got nuthin! So how'd you like that?!

Seriously...Merry Christmas everyone.

Christmas Babies

Two years ago Kathryn and I spent all afternoon trying to get a decent photo of the trio for Christmas cards. The babies had only been home for about a month and they were still so tiny, although Mack looks huge next to his sisters. I can't believe that was two years ago!!

Will I Ever Learn?

Mack is just tall enough now, on his tippy toes, to reach things on the kitchen counter. I try to remember to make sure things that I don't want him to get are pushed back far enough out of his reach. However, sometimes I forget.

I start getting stressed out about MDO the night before. I'm not stressed about the kids being at MDO...I'm stressed about all the preparation to get them there. To help alleviate some of my anxiety, I typically prepare the kids' lunch the night before. Many times I fix macaroni and cheese. The teachers have requested I bring this often, because if Mack doesn't have his own mac and cheese, he will take it from some other child (it is one of his favorite things). So, Monday night I prepared the mac and cheese, divided into three bowls and left it on the counter to cool before putting it in the fridge. I haven't learned yet...I did not leave the bowls out of Mack's reach and he decided he needed a "nack" (snack) before bed. Not only did he need a snack put wanted to divided into as many bowls as possible. Sophie decided to help. I have to get them a play kitchen. They love to "cook".

Oh Those &*^% Binkies!

And I'm not talking about the binky which is film sound slang for a mixing top sheet, indicating the layout and content of pre-mixes. (random, I know, but hey you learned something ;) I'm talking about the pacifiers, nubbies, soothers, whatever you may call them, that my kids just can't seem to give up; and I'm forever looking for. I swear I have bought a million of these things but can't ever seem to find them when one of kids if jonesing for one. I think the binkies are ganging up with the girls' hairbows and the kids' socks and are all hiding together somewhere waiting for a chance to join our stuffed animal collection in a take-over.

I know, you are thinking...just take them away and don't give them back. I'm just not up for the battle right now. Maybe it will be a New Year's resolution...along with potty training and losing 10 pounds. All very painful.

In my perfect world, I invisioned my kids would never have binkies. But they would also never throw food or hit their sister either and always think their mommy is a genius. And, well, it's not a perfect world. If you wear a Santa hat with your binky it's not so bad.

You Are Wonderfully Made

I was recently told the neatest story about a little girl who has Cerebral Palsy. (this is a friend of a friend story) This little girl was in a mainstream school with mostly neuro-typical children. She was a normal little girl except for her physical limitations resulting from CP. One day, while on the playground, a little boy started walking in front of her in a funny manner trying to imitate the little girl's gait. She immediately stopped him and said "You aren't doing it right! If you are going to imitate me, then you have to do it right. Now watch me." She then proceeded to walk around. The boy and little girl became very good friends after that.

This story really touched me. What a brave little girl! What a confident little girl. It may also have been her way of saying, "If you really take the time to get to know me, there is a lot more to me than you see."

Oh how I hope and pray I can instill this kind of confidence in my little girl. I want her to know who she is. I want her to know that walking (or not walking) differently or talking differently does not make her any less inside. I want her to know she is a child of God and no less precious in His site. I also hope and pray that others will take the time to get to know my Gracie. They may come to discover that she's smart and funny and caring. I love my little Gracie and her crazy hair.

Psalm 139:14
I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, and my soul knows it very well.

Update on Sick Kids

So, this morning I decided there would be very little TV or video watching. I put some Christmas music on, turned on the tree lights, got the Santa hats out and did some exercises with Grace. We then started to practice walking with the reverse walker. Everyone has to help, so it is quite an ordeal. We had only been going a few minutes when I turned around to wipe a nose (they are all freely running) and Grace falls. As I am comforting her while she is crying, Sophie comes over to hug her and looks up at me sadly and says softly "Elmo?". So now they are all sitting in front of the TV watching Elmo. God bless Elmo.

Pics of My Sick Kids

Today was a pajama day. We changed out of pajamas into clean pajamas and pretty much watched videos all day when not sleeping or doing breathing treatments. When I asked what video they wanted to watch, Grace said "Wiggles", Mack said "Bob" and Sophie requested "Elmo", so we also had a day of learning to be patient and taking turns. No one will eat which is driving me crazy. Grace and Sophie are still too skinny. Anyway, they're still cute when they're sick...or at least I think so.

My Sick Kids

Today was one of those days that brought back many memories that seem so long ago at times. Today I sat on the sofa pretty much all day holding my trio. The memories I mentioned are of those days after the babies (FINALLY) came home and it seemed like all we did was sit on the sofa and feed babies.

Well, all three of my toddlers are sick. I'm so glad I took them to see the Pediatrician today as both girls have ear infections and possible RSV while Mack is on the verge of being really sick as well. So we are on antibiotics and breathing treatments and little sleep. There was no Conductive Education this week, no Kindermusik today and there will be no MDO on Friday. UGGHHH, gotta go, I think we're out of Kleenex!

Thanks Beth for helping me hold babies today. I couldn't have made it without you!

Kurt or Dorothy?

I've gotten a lot of comments about Mack's new hair cut. Mostly positive, but a few negative. I have been told he looks like Kurt Von Trapp (from the Sound of Music) and one really mean person ;) said he looks like Dorothy Hamill. What do you think?

HA HA HA

I'm sorry if I offended anyone with yesterday's post. Apparently Ho Ho Ho is not always appropriate (check it out) Give me a break!!! I'm actually surprised this hasn't happened in the U.S.

HO HO HO

We went to the tree lighting ceremony in Lakewood and Santa was there. This is our first (ever) picture with Santa and it didn't go too well. As you can see, Santa wasn't too happy about it either. However, Angie, Kathryn and I had a good time stepping into the shops and trying the free champagne. Thanks to Brian and Abe for watching the kids and keeping Mack out the street. Christmas is on it's way. HO HO HO!

It Had To Be Done

Well, it's over...the waiting and wondering...should we...should we not. Yes, we have finally cut Mack's hair!! Can you believe it?? I'm still in shock. I think it was the turkey hangover that made me give in to my husband and mother's pleas. Abe looked at me Friday morning and gently said, "Jacolyn, it has to be done and it's time". We were in Edmond visiting my mother so we weren't sure where to take him so we just picked a children's place nearby. I was sick to my stomach the entire ride over. I kept looking back at Mack thinking..."we can still back out...his hair is so pretty". As you can see from the photos, he wasn't too keen on the idea either. But with a few bribes, which included a blue tractor and a yellow school bus, (yes, he's still into buses and they are conveniently sold in the salon), we all got through it. I'm still not used to it and I'm still a bit weepy but he doesn't seem to mind.

Ballerina Dreams

Shortly after Grace was diagnosed with CP, I was running errands in a shopping mall that had a ballet studio. I sat in my car and cried as I watch identical twin girls in their tutus walk across the parking lot. I knew that would never be me. Only one of my girls could ever be a ballerina. Well, maybe I was wrong. I just need to believe in Ballerina Dreams.

Isn't that awesome!!!!!

Give Me Hope

This morning started at 7:30 with OT for Grace (after breakfast of course) and was followed by another 2 hours of time with our ECI developmental specialist working with both Mack and Grace. Mack is have a few behavioral issues that we've been dealing with. While he is probably the sweetest of my trio, he also can have some terrible temper tantrums and tends to lash out at me specifically. I've been told that "it's just a boy thing" or that "I need to spend my one-on-one time with him"...that he is lashing out because I don't give him enough special attention. Ouch!!!! While I have to agree that this is very possible, it still makes me feel terrible. I know he needs me and wants to be with me but because of Grace's condition and because he is one of three, my time and attention can be quite limited. While I would never change a thing, Grace takes so much of me. What do I do?! I'm exhausted as it is. I'm trying to arrange appointments, daycare, while arranging time for us to do fun stuff as well. I feel like I have no time to be a real mommy right now. I find myself asking God, "Did you really think I was strong enough to raise triplets and care for a child with special needs? Show me how! Give me strength! Allow me to give them all they want and need of me."

I keep returning to this passage in Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans that I have for you, declared the Lord, plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.

They're No Dum Dums

Tuesday the kids came home from MDO with small bags of candy, which included Dum Dum lollipops. The bags sat on on the counter for a few days as I contemplated whether to let them have some of it. You see, I have been a been a bit fanatical about their sugar intake...I have limited it probably a little much. So yesterday I gave them the lollipops. They loved them!!! Sophie even got the two-handed twirl it in you mouth move down. Mack wanted to try all flavors so he kept trading with everyone. I think it's too soon to try bubble gum (it was in the bag) but maybe M&Ms are next.

Conductive Education

Grace started Conductive Education this week. (you can watch the video on the website for an overview of the program) The regular program is an intensive 4 week, 5 days per week, 4 hour per day program and is quite expensive. So, we are currently doing an abbreviated version of the program to see if this is something we think will be beneficial to Grace. Insurance does not cover it and our schedule is already pretty packed, so I really need to be convinced this is the best thing for Grace before we make the investment of time and money. We are going on Wed and Thurs for 2 1/2 hours for 4 weeks. The first day consisted of 2 hours of screaming (Grace not me). I had been told this was to be expected. The second day was much better...there was crying but only about an hour and it was not the screaming we had the day before. So far, I'm just confused. They don't want Grace to wear her braces, they don't want to use a reverse walker but a want to use a forward walker...this is all different from what our PT and OT want us to do. I haven't talked to our PT about how the past 2 days have gone and am very interested in what he has to say. So, as I said...I'm confused. More info all off this later.

Sorry...not photos...we've been BUSY!!!!

What Do You See?

What do you see?...Disability is Possibility

Pee-Diddy (hee hee)

I was thinking this morning about the things I miss since having children. I love my kids and there are so many more things I would miss if I didn't have them. My list is short...

Things I miss:

3) Sleeping in (even though Abe still lets me do this on Saturdays sometimes)

2) Eating without someone else wanting my food (I broke Abe of this years ago)

and the No 1 thing I miss since having kids...

1) Going to the bathroom alone. As soon as I close the bathroom door, the kids start screaming as if they are going to miss something really good. So I open the door and have an audience. There is a lot of discussion among my trio about Pee Pee and Poo Poo (sorry if TMI). I feel like P Diddy when he was filmed going to the bathroom and it was put on YouTube (well, he was standing up :)

Ok, just to clarify...I have not see the YouTube of P Diddy...I just heard about it.

One Bite Each

It was way too quiet in the den this afternoon as put away clothes in the kids' room. I was afraid to go check. But I did, and this is what I found. No, it is not crescent rolls lying all over the ottoman...it's crackers. Previously round crackers that each had one bite out of them. And there stood the culprit handing a now crescent shaped cracker to his sister. Why one bite...what was he looking for...was he afraid he wouldn't get through the entire box before I caught him? Hmmm...interesting! Oh, how Mack loves his snacks!!

Crazy 8's

"I'm having a kid-free day today", I announced to Abe this morning. So, I have done some shopping, gone to lunch with some friends and now I'm home, but not home (if you know what I mean). I am not to be bothered. And since I'm having a kid-free day, let's talk about me. Another mom did this on her blog...here are my Crazy 8's.

Crazy 8's:

8 things I'm passionate about

1. My husband and triplets
2. My extended family
3. God
4. Books/Reading
5. Music
6. Friends
7. Traveling (which I don't get to do much)
8. The beautiful outdoors

8 things I want to do before I die

1. Get my kids potty trained :)
2. Go to Israel
3. Get my closet back (we have a very old, small house)
4. See U2 in concert
5. See my kids be happy, healthy adults
6. Memorize the Psalms
7. Pay off our medical bills (or will I really care if they are paid off :)
8. Learn to play the guitar

8 things I say often

1. "Maaaack!!"
2. "I love you"
3. "Use your words"
4. "When are you coming home?" (to Abe :)
5. "It is what it is"
6. "Let's share"
7. "No, we can't watch Wiggles right now"
8. "Do you want to go to time-out"

8 TV shows I’ve recently watched

1. House
2. Amazing Race
3. The Office
4. Sesame Street
5. The Wiggles
6. Morning News (while on the treadmill(
7. Law & Order
8. America's Funniest Home Videos

8 songs I could listen to over and over

1. The Sweetest Thing by U2
2. His Grace is Sufficient by Jennifer Knapp
3. On My Knees by Jaci Velasquez
4. Flower Parts by Bob Schneider
5. Making Memories of Us by Keith Urban
6. Crazy by Patsy Cline
7. Kiss by Prince
8. Tupelo Honey by Van Morrison

8 things that attract me to my best friends

1. They don't judge me
2. They understand me
3. They are real
4. They are lots of fun
5. I trust them
6. They love me for who I am
7. They are crazy
8. They make me want to be a better person (I stole this one but it applies)

8 things I’ve learned this past year

1. I can raise triplets (ok, that one's still to be determined)
2. I have so many blessings
3. It's okay to ask for help
4. God is good and faithful
5. Somethings just REALLY don't matter that much
6. I'm stronger than I thought I was
7. My husband is a great father
8. Prayer really does matter

8 people I think should do '8'

1. Mom
2. Marcy
3. Shelly
4. Jackie
5. Kathryn
6. Sharla
7. Jen
8. Whoever else wants to!

Peanuts Are Bad!!

Kathryn had a party at her cute new house on Saturday night and the whole family was invited. (Don't my kids look ready for a party...it is increasingly difficult to get a photo of all 3 together...oh, and someone asked if Mack was going to be a hippy..hee hee) Anyway, we were having a great time at the party. The kids were eating crackers, cheese and fruit and generally being the life of the party. (I did catch them biting off a few things and putting them back in the bowl so sorry if you got a soggy crustini or cheese curd) Then the peanut episode...Abe and I, simultaneously, see Sophie stick peanuts in her mouth. We have peanut allergies, folks!!! Abe grabs her and pries the peanuts out of her mouth while I prepare to get her outside and in the car. While we rush home, my friend Julie, who is a doctor, rushes to the pharmacy to get an EpiPen. Meanwhile Sophies face is blotching up and her eyes are swelling shut. At home, we douse her in Benedryl and Julie moniters to see if we need the EpiPen. After throwing up (her not me) she seems fine. Abe volunteers to stay home and I go back to Kathryn's and have a much needed glass of wine. Everyone's fine now but Peanuts are BAD!!!!

And From the Wilds of Afri...er, Dallas...

I didn't get any really great pictures but you can see what I had to deal with...fussy kids. They got their flu shots yesterday so they were a bit grumpy and tired...but still really cute!!

Halloween 2006

Last year we were the Lieck Fertility Clinic. We had a lot of fun with these costumes. The kids scrubs were made by my friends Jackie and Beth. Check back later for this year's costumes...it's going to be a wild time.

Are the Pumpkins Getting Smaller...

or are my kids getting bigger!? These pictures are from the Pumpkin Patch last year. They are growing up too fast!!!

I'm Not Adjusting Anymore

As you all know, our trio was born 3 months early, so for the first 2 years of their lives we talked in adjusted months rather than real months. Doctor and developmental appointments focused on their adjusted age. It gave them sort of a grace period to reach developmental milestones. In addition, I felt when discussing milestones with friends and acquaintances I had to explain that...yes they are X months in real age but only Y months in adjusted age. It made me feel better when comparing to other children...it helped me feel almost normal. I still have people ask...when did they start talking, walking, etc. Well, we're not adjusting anymore. Does it really matter how we compare to everyone else? We all have a different perspective. We still have a few minor developmental issues for Mack and Sophie and few major ones for Grace but it is all in the perspective. Billie explains this perfectly in her blog about Perspective.

Pumpkins on Sunday

I can't figure out how to post more than 5 photos at a time so we have two postings today. (if anyone know how please tell me). This pumpkin patch was at a cute little church near us. Kathryn went with us as well as Brian and Angie and their 7 week old cutie, Sydney.